Week 40: Why I peed in a cup

If you read my blog, you’ll know I went to the doctor last week.  After seeing him I was able to get some blood pressure medication.  I’ve felt much better since taking that.  He also wanted me to give both a blood and urine sample.  I remember back when they would just take that stuff at the doctor’s office instead of giving you instructions to go and do it yourself somewhere.  The nurse did tell me I could go to some lab at the office and take care of it, but I was tired so I just went home.

I didn’t want to forget the test samples my doctor asked for.  And so I looked up the closest Quest Diagnostics for this week.  There are these Quest places all over Las Vegas.  They test everybody.  You go to them for drug tests for jobs as well as I guess tests from doctors.  I went to a Quest Diagnostics over three years ago for my drug test for my current job.  That wasn’t a “pee in the bottle” test though, it was a hair test.  The girl just cut off some of my hair to be tested.  Things wouldn't be that easy this week.

I decided to make an appointment at a nearby Quest Diagnostics because everything is easier if you have an appointment, right?  Maybe?  Hopefully?  I was hoping I would get to the place a bit early and they would slide me right in.  All I needed to do was give a little blood and urine.  But of course things can’t be that easy, not in the medical world.

After finding the Quest where my appointment was made, I had to sign in and give my paperwork and insurance card to the lady there.  Will they be charging me?  Nobody knows.  Maybe they’ll bill me, maybe they won’t.  That’s a bit disconcerting, but I pressed on.

After signing in I sat down in the waiting room.  I was about 45 minutes early, but was told I probably wouldn’t make it into the office to give my samples until my appointment time.  Lovely.  Now realize I really wanted to make sure I could pee enough to fill the cup so I had been drinking a lot of water all morning!  I really had to go!  I can’t go though, because I have to save it to pee in the cup when it’s my turn!  So I sat there trying to cross my legs for about 50 minutes.

Sitting in this waiting room was like sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room.  Everyone there pretends to be sick and dying and they all need to get in right away!  One guy is mad because he doesn’t have an appointment, but he needs his drug test finished by the end of the day!  They’d better take him right now!  He’s so important!  The people at the office seem to care as much about him and his importance as I do.  Take a seat and wait your turn.

“Excuse me, where’s the bathroom?”

I want to say that soooo bad, but I can’t!  I have to WAIT!  Most of the people in the waiting area are also staring at their cell phones.  One nearby man has some headphones, but decides not to use them.  He’s watching something with explosions and turns the volume on his phone way up.  Maybe he’s part deaf?  I don’t know.  Maybe now I’m not part deaf from listening to the crap come out of his phone?  I don’t know, but I STILL HAVE TO PEE!

Finally I’m called back.  I go back with this nice lady and she introduces herself.  She asks me whether I’d like to do the blood or urine sample first.  I’d rather get the blood done first.  That hurts, but I can easily pee all over everything with no pain at all.  And so she quickly sets everything up.  She was very nice and professional!  I was quite impressed with her.  She was fast without rushing me.  She easily slips the needle into my arm and I barely felt it!  That was great!  Usually it hurt like hell when I’ve had that done.  No blood was going into the vial, though.  She said my veins were deep down, so she had to wiggle the needle a bit.  There was the pain I knew!  That hurt like hell, but only for a second or two.  The vial filled with blood and then I had a nice cotton gauze taped to my arm.  Now the urine sample.  This turned out to be more difficult than the blood sample.

She tells me the doctor wants my “equipment” washed with soap before I give the sample.  I then have to dry it carefully and clean it off with a towlette she gives me because there can’t be any soap in the sample!  Soap in the sample is a huge no-no!  And so I go into the bathroom and get ready to wash my “equipment” with some soap.

Now the difficulty begins.  The sink is about a foot and a half taller than my “equipment”.  How the hell am I supposed to wash it when I can’t even get it in, or really near the sink?  What the hell am I supposed to do?  Finally, I just get a bit of soap on my fingers and try to reach down and not make too much of a mess.  This is while still holding the sample cup.  My pants want to fall down, but I for some reason don’t want them around my ankles.  I do the best I can with washing off my tip.  I’m not sure how to dry my hands while still holding this sample cup, so I just open the towlette and try to clean myself the best I can.

Now keep in mind, my body realizes I’m in a bathroom and have pulled my pants down.  It’ takes every last little bit of self-control I have not to pee all over the floor while I’m washing the “equipment”.  For crying out loud, why was this so hard?  Ok, I’m finally ready to fill the cup.  I go over to the toilet and start to go.  I shove the sample cup under the stream.  For a split second the stream is disturbed and some of it goes on the floor.  Shit.  I’m peeing like mad too and the cup fills up quite quickly.  I don’t want to over fill it, so after it’s filled a bit, I pulled it away.  I’m still holding my pants up trying not to let them slip down around my ankles.  Is the cup full enough?  Maybe not?  I don’t know how much they need.  Maybe they need it full right to the brim?  I shove the cup under the stream again and fill it up more.  Now I’m wondering if I’ve filled it up too much.

Finally I finished and screwed the top back on to the sample bottle.  It is full almost to the top.  I’m hoping I didn’t get a whole lot of pee on the outside of the cup.  Now there’s a bit of pee on the cup, on my hands, and on the floor, the toilet, pretty much all over.  I wonder who cleans that bathroom.  Oh well, I pull my pants back up and set the cup down on the sink so I can wash my hands.  I’m guessing that some of the urine on the cup is now on the sink. 

I quickly placed my sample where I was told to place it when I was finished and headed out on my way really glad that was finally over with.  So why did I pee in a cup?  Because the doctor wanted it.  Hopefully I’m healthy and don’t need to do this again for a few years.  Until next week, keep asking why.  And I hope that bathroom wasn’t too difficult to clean.